Category Archives for "Anxiety"
There's a lot of information out there about the symptoms of low self-esteem. It can lead to people withdrawing from social situations, focusing on the negatives, and being unable to take positive feedback (i.e. compliments) from others.
Through our work with clients we often see a link between their low self-esteem and their levels of anxiety.
Low self-esteem can stem from any number of situations or events.
Perhaps people in your family or teachers at school said certain things which made you feel inadequate. On the other hand, you may not have been told anything directly. It might have been the way other people treated you which led you to believe you're not "good enough".
Stressful life events can also have a negative impact on self-esteem. You might have lost a loved one or experienced a serious illness, and this can all take its toll on our perceptions of ourselves.
In a previous blog post we explained a technique for how to figure out your negative core belief, which is a 'global belief' you may apply to yourself as a person. If you have low self-esteem this core belief might be something like "I'm a failure" or "I'm not good enough".
A negative core belief can impact on many aspects of your life. For example, if you have a belief of "I'm not good enough" this may cause you to avoid situations such as meeting new people or trying a new hobby due to the anxiety invoked by each situation.
Think about the prospect of meeting new people when you have a core belief of "I'm not good enough". Examples of the thoughts you might have are: "No one will want to talk to me", "I'll end up standing on my own", or "I'll make a fool of myself in front of people".
Such thoughts aren't going to fill you with much confidence. If anything, they're likely to make you feel anxious about going into that situation. We've said this before and we'll say it again: It's not the situation, but our thoughts about the situation which cause us to feel a certain way.
The example above highlights how much of an impact low self-esteem can have. It can stop us from meeting new people and trying out new experiences.
We can end up isolating ourselves because we don't feel we're good enough to be with people, and we have no confidence in our ability to succeed in new situations.
The problem is, the more we avoid these new situations the more our low self-esteem is reinforced because we're not challenging the thoughts which feed into our fears.
Here are seven ways you can tackle low self-esteem. You may find that some work better for you than others. That's fine; stick with the ones that work well!
Thoughts are not facts, but we give far too much weight to them. They're our beliefs about ourselves or a given situation which are likely to have been influenced by past experiences.
We can't possibly be good at everything, but we need to focus on what we're good at rather than beating ourselves up for things we're not so good at.
Make a list of all the things you're good at, together with the qualities you like about yourself. Having these things down in black and white can help you appreciate them more.
Unfortunately we may know people who tend to (consciously or unconsciously) reinforce our low sense of self-worth. They reiterate how difficult everything is rather than helping us look for ways to address the problem.
When we're feeling down on ourselves, we need people around us who are in "our corner", who will help us get out of the funk we're in and encourage us to dust ourselves down and move forward.
No one is perfect and no one gets everything right all the time, and that's okay!
We may make faux pas in social situations, we might make mistakes at work or not do something to the standard we expect of ourselves. Lower your expectations to more realistic levels.
Accept that you're human and you're fallible, just like everyone else on the planet!
Often, people with low self-esteem take on more and more responsibilities in an effort to prove to themselves that they have worth. In fact, when you take on more than you can handle you're not valuing yourself.
Be more assertive and learn to say "no" sometimes. Constantly saying "yes" will only give people the signal to keep coming to you, and overloading yourself will only lead to burn-out.
We talk about this in our post here. Sometimes, the best way to give our low self-esteem a kick up the backside is to face our fears head on.
Pushing through the fear can have a hugely positive impact on your sense of achievement.
Friends and family may mean well when offering support, but perhaps they miss the mark or say things which aren't always helpful. Having someone who is outside the situation, with an impartial perspective, can be beneficial when working with low self-esteem.
If you feel it might be helpful, consider seeing a Counsellor to help you explore your low self-esteem and how you can improve it.
What things do YOU do to help you feel better about yourself? Comment below 🙂
There's nothing quite like a fancy dress party. Lots of people getting dressed up in all sorts of weird and wonderful costumes, pretending to be someone/something else.
The process of making ourselves up in this way is actually not too dissimilar to how some of us deal with our mental health difficulties. Sometimes it's easier to put on a metaphorical mask and pretend that everything's okay.
Do we ever really take our masks off, though? And should we?
Masks are a useful way of protecting us when we're going through difficult times. We might not be able to take time off work, or we may not want to, so wearing a mask can be a way of us maintaining our role.
One would hope that we could talk to our superiors about any problems we're having, but as many of us know the fear of stigmatisation due to mental health difficulties is very real.
Even if we get support from our supervisors, some roles may be emotionally demanding (e.g., counselling). Therefore, it's important that we don't bring our personal difficulties into these roles as we're there to support others and not the other way round.
Whilst wearing a mask can help us through tough periods, it can also prevent us from addressing our problems. Wearing a mask may become quite addictive and something we're not able to stop doing for fear of the consequences of removing it.
However, in order that we can begin to address our problems we need to be brave enough to remove the mask and be vulnerable.
Allowing regular time to remove the mask can help you process your emotions and think of ways of tackling whatever difficulties you're having. By continuing to pretend that everything is okay, the problem doesn't get addressed and the emotions build up.
It's also a good opportunity to release any pent-up emotions. Whilst some people might see this as a sign of weakness, it's actually really healthy to do this. We're not robots, we're human beings, and it's perfectly normal to feel.
You may well want to put the mask back on when you're in work or with friends/family, and that's okay. If you've allowed yourself some time away from the mask to be yourself, then this will help during the times when it's more appropriate to wear the mask.
How helpful/unhelpful have masks been for you? Let us know in the comments.
The inspiration for writing this post came after an old Tweet from Piers Morgan in 2017 re-surfaced. For those who aren't aware, Piers Morgan is a British journalist/television host/general-fly-in-the-ointment.
In his Tweet, Piers was responding to a statistic which stated that an estimated 34 million British adults have experienced mental health difficulties. Piers' response was "...man up, Britain and focus on those who REALLY need help".
Whilst I don't want to get into a debate about Piers Morgan - there are plenty of those going on - his response really highlights the ongoing stigma faced by people with mental health problems.
It also emphasises that the language people use often perpetuates the expectations placed on men when it comes to discussing mental health.
Prior to training as a Counsellor, I had real trouble talking about my feelings. I'd grown up with messages like "boys don't cry". I'd never seen my father talk about his emotions and I was worried that people would think I was "weak".
As a male, I believed that showing my emotions would mean I couldn't cope. On top of this, none of my friends talked about how they felt either. Conversations were limited to what had been on the television the night before, our hobbies, or the daft things one of us might have done.
The way that I dealt with situations was with anger. I didn't understand other feelings and I certainly didn't do sadness or crying.
Anger was a tool I'd learnt as a child. I was bullied at school and anger enabled me to keep people at a distance. It was a defence mechanism to stop me feeling hurt. I'd observed other people's ways of dealing with problems and came to believe that showing anger made problems go away and "won" arguments.
I carried this strategy with me into adulthood; however, I also came to learn that my way of coping pushed people away and affected the quality of my relationships.
When I was in my 30s, a friend of mine passed away. He was one of the few males I'd been able to talk to about my problems. He was helpful and supportive, but I'd had no idea that he had been struggling with his own difficulties.
As well as the sadness of losing a good friend, his death also brought up feelings around my father's death 12 years' earlier. For the first time in years I cried, and began to realise that the way I'd been coping with my problems wasn't working any more.
It was at this point that I decided to go for counselling.
I was able to explore my childhood experiences, the beliefs I'd developed and how I'd coped. I talked about who I wanted to be as a person and that I no longer wanted to hide behind my anger. However, this came with its own fears of becoming more open; how would people react to me, as a male, expressing my emotions?
Counselling gave me a place to talk to someone who wasn't involved in my day-to-day life. I could be upset and cry without being judged, and I no longer had to hide behind the mask of anger that I'd been wearing for so long.
It taught me that it was okay to be a male and show my emotions, and that this made me no less of a person.
From my experience of working with males, many who come to see me don't feel able to talk to other people. Some may talk to their partners, but even then they still have fears around opening up completely for fear of how they'll be perceived.
A lot of my clients have had difficulties expressing themselves. They may have been told as young boys that it wasn't right for them to do this. Some believe that they'll be perceived as "weak". I've heard many phrases along the lines of "I'm a man, I should be able to cope". They believe that, as men, they "should" be strong.
Like myself, many males I've worked with have developed defence mechanisms as children and have carried these through into adulthood. They've not been able to allow themselves to be vulnerable or open, because they fear what other people will think of them.
When I first started my counselling training, some of my male work colleagues laughed and made comments like "Why are you doing a woman's job?". However, as time went on, more of them would come to me to talk about their problems.
Conversations no longer revolved around what had been on television the night before. They started focusing more on life issues such as relationship problems. It was as though they felt they had permission to do this, because they saw that a fellow male would listen to them without judgment.
As a Counsellor, I feel that part of my job is to be a role model to my clients of how it is possible to be a male who can express their emotions. It's about changing the message from "men should be strong" to "men should be able to talk about how they feel".
Talking about emotions does not equal weakness. In fact, it takes great courage for someone to open up to others and allow themselves to risk being vulnerable.
Although there are ongoing efforts to tackle the stereotypes of males and mental health, the sticking point is society's expectations of how men deal with their emotions.
It's also worth remembering that these are just expectations and opinions; they are not laws. We as males can make a choice to move away from what society expects and express ourselves when we're finding things difficult.
Whilst this might be scary, it can definitely be beneficial for us in the long run.
I've been on both sides of the line. I've been the male seeking help for his problems and am now in the privileged position of being able to provide support to others.
If, like me, you've been wearing a mask in your everyday life for fear of opening up, the counselling room is a place where you can remove that mask. Counselling is a safe environment where you can be honest and vulnerable without being judged.
If you choose to put the mask back on when you leave then that's your choice, but I try to encourage clients to rely on the mask less and less as time goes on. Opening up is scary, but it's also very liberating.
If you want things to change then counselling can support you to become the person you want to be, as opposed to the person you think you "should be". It made a great impact on how I deal with my emotions and I'm forever grateful for it.
Please do contact me if you'd like to access counselling.
As it's World Mental Health Day, we thought it'd be good to write a post about the benefits you can get from talking about your difficulties. A "problem shared" really can be "a problem halved" and if you're finding it difficult to talk to people around you then counselling can be really helpful.
The reasons for people not talking about their mental health can be many and varied. It can depend upon the person and the difficulties they're experiencing. Here are some examples:
Society tends to have different expectations on males and females when it comes to talking about mental health. If you're a woman, it's almost a given that you'll gather with other women to discuss your problems and seek mutual support. Most women have no problem doing this as it's seen as something that "women do".
On the other hand, if you're male you may find it more difficult to talk due to societal expectations that you "should" be strong and not discuss your emotions. Whilst views are starting to shift there's still a long way to go, which is highlighted in the fact that suicide rates tend to be higher in men.
You may have been through experiences which have impacted your mental health that you're worried about sharing. One such example might be going through childhood sexual abuse. This can leave people with many mixed feelings such as shame and guilt, which may prevent them from seeking support from others.
You may blame yourself for your presenting problem, no matter what that is, and this can leave you feeling as though you don't have the right to ask for help.
Whatever the problem and the reasons for not wanting to talk about it, this may leave you feeling extremely isolated.
You may believe that you're a "fraud" and that your difficulties are not serious enough to deserve support. This is something we often hear our own clients say. Some of our clients worry that we'll think they don't really need to come for counselling because their problems don't warrant it.
The fact that you've got in touch with a Counsellor to seek support for the problem means that, for you, it's important to bring it to counselling and that's a perfectly valid reason from our perspective.
As much as there's more awareness around mental health these days, there's a still a lot of stigma surrounding mental health issues.
You may be wary of sharing information with your employers for fear that you'll face discrimination. Family and friends might not quite understand your difficulties so you may rather keep quiet than risk not being understood.
As you may well have heard before, people often talk about physical health problems being easier to understand as they can be seen. However, mental health problems can be hard to comprehend if the people around you haven't experienced them.
The more we talk about mental health the more we help to normalise it. EVERYBODY has 'mental health' and it doesn't fall under "good" or "bad"; it's on a spectrum.
The old cliche of "a problem shared is a problem halved" is very true. Often, just being able to talk to someone about your problems without fear of judgment can be a hugely powerful experience.
Support from family and/or friends can be beneficial, but sometimes you may not feel comfortable talking to them. This could be because your difficulties involve family and/or friends, or you might worry that they won't understand.
Having someone impartial to listen can make such a difference and this is where counselling comes in.
The Counsellor-Client relationship is really unique. It's very rare that one person talks about their difficulties while the other listens without responding with such things as "Oh, that happened to me too!" and re-focusing the conversation onto themselves.
Counsellors are not there to judge; they offer an acceptance of you and your situation. Having someone to listen in this way can be very powerful, and the safe space of the counselling room can be a welcome relief when the outside world doesn't appear to understand you.
Whilst Counsellors cannot change your situation, they can help you explore how you'd like your situation to be different. Remember that change is possible, but you have to make the change; your Counsellor cannot make changes for you and neither can other people.
Counselling can only really be effective if you're willing to accept responsibility for the changes that you want to happen. If you're ready to do this, then great work can take place.
Like other mental health difficulties, it's often hard to know where to start with tackling anxiety. Seeing a Counsellor can help get clarity over the problems you want to address, as well as the ways in which your Counsellor can support you with tackling those difficulties.
Whilst there are things you can do yourself to try and tackle your anxiety, sometimes you might want some additional support in order to know where to start and which direction to take.
If you're seeking support and are thinking about accessing counselling then please do contact us.
Also, try to keep talking about mental health to help reduce the stigma; it can be done if we all work together 🙂
Exposure Therapy is a way in which people can be supported to confront their fears. When we're fearful of something it might lead us to avoid it. However, whilst this avoidance may reduce the feelings of fear in the short term, it can make the fear worse over the long term as we're not addressing the fear.
The aim of Exposure Therapy, is to expose ourselves to the thing(s) we have fears of and/or have been avoiding. These might be situations, activities, or objects (e.g., spiders).
There are different ways we can expose ourselves to the things we fear, depending on what we're comfortable with. You might want to be exposed to the fear in real-life; so, if you have a fear of giving a presentation you may decide to do this in front of a group of people.
Another way is through imagining that you're facing your fear. You might imagine you're presenting to a group of people, and then describe the sights, sounds, and smells within that situation. You'll observe the emotions and physical sensations which come up for you, as these can often be as powerful as going through the situation in real-life.
In a previous post we talked about mastering your fears and how, sometimes, one of the most effective things to do is to take a deep breath and face our fears head on. The thing to remember is that everyone's different.
For people that prefer a quicker and more "head on" approach to tackling their fears, Flooding may be good for them. The idea behind flooding is that anxiety is a learned fear that needs to be 'unlearned' by exposure to the object/situation/activity.
An example of flooding might be someone who has a phobia of spiders, who is given a spider to hold. During this time they'll need to use coping skills to manage their anxiety (e.g., relaxation skills) and continue holding the spider until such time as the anxiety begins to lessen.
Another example might be someone who doesn't like being around lots of people. They may go into a situation where there's a huge crowd of people (e.g., a shopping centre) and use coping skills to help them manage their anxiety until it reduces.
This method is seen as quick and effective, although it might be too intense a way of dealing with fears for some people.
For those who want a more gradual approach to facing their fears, there's the option to do this through Graded Exposure. This does exactly what it says on the tin and gradually exposes you to the situation/activity/object that's causing you anxiety.
In Graded Exposure, you identify the feared situation and then think about where you currently are in terms of tackling that situation. An example scenario might be that you want to go to the local newsagents to buy a newspaper, but you're unable to leave your front door without feeling extreme anxiety.
You need to think about the gap between where you are and where you want to be, and break it down into small manageable steps. If your goal was go to the newsagents to buy a newspaper, an example of breaking this down might be:
This is a very simple example. You may have more (or less) steps than this. The most important thing is to come up with as many steps as you feel necessary to achieve your goal.
The steps in Graded Exposure Therapy are something that you can come up with yourself or your Counsellor, if you're working with one.
The idea is to repeat each step until you feel comfortable with it, and then move onto the next step. Your anxiety doesn't have to totally disappear, but it should reduce to a level which feels more comfortable.
Moving to the next step may cause an increase in anxiety, but like the step before, you repeat that step until the anxiety reduces to a more manageable level and then move onto the next...and the next.
Bear in mind that this process might take a while and you may come up against obstacles along the way. Persistence is key.
For example, if you try one of the steps and it feels too much of a leap from the previous step, then rethink that step and see if that needs breaking down further.
When doing Graded Exposure, it's important to keep a record of when you attempt each step, your anxiety levels before and after, and any notes you think are relevant. This can help you reflect on what went well and what you might do differently next time.
For example, when you look at the time of day that you're doing your steps you might reflect that trying them at a different time, when there are less people about, might be beneficial.
When you review your notes you might see that your anxiety level prior to tackling one particular step has gradually decreased, even though you might still be working on the same step. This visual record of your progress will help motivate you during the times when you might be feeling you're not making much headway.
Take a look at this worksheet we've put together which you can use to help you 🙂
What ways do you tackle your anxiety? Are you a "jump right in" or "step by step" sort of person? Let us know in the comments.
Although Mindfulness practice has been happening in Eastern cultures for many years, it's only recently increased in popularity in the West. Its benefits have been promoted over here by people like Jon Kabat-Zinn, who developed a Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction programme.
Despite an awareness of its benefits on mental health, there's still some confusion as to what Mindfulness is. In this post we'll be giving a whistle-stop tour of Mindfulness and some of the different practices you can try.
It might seem like we're beginning the wrong way round, but we think it's important to start with addressing the confusion that often surrounds Mindfulness. A lot of people mistake Mindfulness as a form of 'relaxation' and it seems as though the two terms are often used inter-changeably.
Whilst feeling relaxed can often be a by-product of practicing Mindfulness, it is not the aim of practicing Mindfulness.
The aim of practicing Mindfulness is to draw our attention to the 'here and now', or, the 'present moment'. All too often, we spend our time thinking about the past (which we cannot change) and/or worrying about the future (which we may have little control over changing).
This quote from Buddha, sums this up perfectly:
"The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, not to anticipate the future, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly".
This reference to worrying about things outside of our control, or things we can't change, seems all-too familiar when we look at the negative thinking patterns which feed into anxiety.
When people think of Mindfulness, many may visualise monks sat high up on mountains, gazing over the landscape, and generally 'being all zen'.
Also, social media often portrays a rather 'stylistic' view of Mindfulness where meditating in a minimally-furnished room, whilst wearing designer yoga pants and a smile reserved only for the likes of Buddha, is deemed as a sure-fire way to reaching enlightenment.
Because of this, Mindfulness might seem rather unachievable to the 'average Joe', but in reality you don't need sparsely kitted-out rooms, yoga pants, or incense sticks to get there*.
*Equally, if you do want to use these things in your Mindfulness practice then go for it. We're not saying that these things are 'bad', but what we're saying is that you can start being mindful now without the need for anything else. It's your mind-set, not the material stuff, that'll help you be more mindful.
We're giving a very brief overview of some different Mindfulness practices here. You can do a Google search which will bring up plenty of results and you can look into them in more detail. If you do pick one or two that you're drawn to, it might be useful to start off with "guided" versions of these, meaning, a recording of someone to guide you through them. There are plenty of these on Youtube 🙂
There are lots of meditation apps out there nowadays, so you can pretty much meditate anywhere (okay maybe not, but you get what we mean).
You'll want to find a quiet place to meditate. You can either sit crossed-legged on the floor (you may want to sit on a cushion), or sit upright in a chair with your feet flat on the floor and arms resting where they're most comfortable.
The meditation will usually involve you closing your eyes and focusing on your breath; not trying to do anything particular with it, just observing it. During the course of the meditation, your thoughts will inevitably drift to past or future events. The idea is that as soon as you become aware of your mind drifting, you should bring it back to the present moment. Don't judge yourself for losing focus on the present, just keep bringing your mind back to it.
This is hard to do, but remember that it's Mindfulness practice and in order to get better at it that's exactly what we have to do. Two popular guided meditation apps are Headspace and Calm so free to check them out as they'll take you through the process.
This type of meditation isn't just walking, it's about paying attention to your walking and is therefore done at a much slower pace. If you're worried about other people, you might want to do this in your back garden or pick a spot in the local park which you know is usually quiet.
Some people find this form of meditation easier than the sitting meditation, due to focusing on the bodily sensations that come from the walking. As with the sitting meditation, when you become aware of your mind wandering you bring it back to your breathing and walking.
Before you scoff your [insert favourite food item here], this isn't just about eating. This is about really paying attention to what you're eating; less hamster and more sloth.
People often practice with a small piece of food like a square of chocolate or a raisin. Whatever the item, it's about paying attention to how it looks, smells and feels before even putting it in your mouth. Once you put it in your mouth the idea is not to chew it straight away either, but to be aware of things like the texture and the taste.
We're not suggesting you eat like this all the time, but trying this exercise will help bring an awareness to your eating that you may not have had before. After all, how often do we really pay attention when we're eating?
Other ways to be more mindful whilst eating could include: eating without distractions around you like the television or your mobile phone; paying attention to when you feel full and to stop eating at that point; and only eating when you feel genuinely hungry.
The body scan is best done lying down on the floor or on your bed.
The idea of the body scan is to bring attention to how you feel in your body. You can start at the top of your head and move down through to your toes, or vice versa. Spend some time on each part of the body, paying attention to how it feels. Is it tense? Have you got any aches or pains? Whatever you observe, do this without judgment and without a wish to change it. Acknowledge however it feels and move onto the next part of the body.
There's a chance that you may fall asleep during this practice, and that's okay! If you feel yourself nodding off, perhaps move your body slightly just to bring yourself back to the exercise and continue with the body scan.
Some people may not immediately associate yoga with Mindfulness, but we'd say it's a form of Mindfulness as part of the practice is to be mindful of the breath and the feelings in your body as you hold it in various positions.
There are plenty of good yoga videos available on Youtube. You might not want to start with this one, though.
As we've talked about in previous posts, worrying about things which are outside of our control is likely to increase our levels of anxiety.
Mindfulness aims to keep us in the present moment because ultimately that's all we have, and therefore worrying about things which have happened/have yet to happen is a waste of mental energy.
It's worth repeating that Mindfulness is a practice, so it's not about being 'perfect' or getting it right all the time. The key is to bring our minds back to the present moment as soon as we become aware that they've drifted. Don't beat yourself up over your mind drifting; there should be no judgments in Mindfulness practice.
We hope this post has given you a good 'starter for ten' in terms of exploring more about Mindfulness. Have you got any other suggestions of Mindfulness practices that we've not listed here? Let us know in the comments 🙂
In a previous post, we explored an analogy of the process of negative thinking and how, once one negative thought presents itself a whole host of other negative thoughts can follow. In this post we talk about how to manage negative thinking to reduce its impact on how you feel and what you do.
One of the simplest things to do is stop thinking! Yes, I know you're probably going to say "But we're always thinking; how can we just stop??"
We're talking about us stopping our unhelpful thinking. If you have a worry, then focusing on that worry will only make it bigger and generate more worrying thoughts. At this point we may also start to make assumptions about the thing we're worrying about.
To put it more simply, a lot of us spend a lot of time thinking in unhelpful ways.
The place to start is that everyone thinks. It's what our minds do, but how we think is what will influence how we feel and what we do. So here's some ideas for how to manage negative thinking in ways which work for our benefit.
It might be helpful to try and recognise your negative thinking patterns. Start to look out for when you're turning a small worry into a bigger one. If you can start to see the tipping point you'll become more aware of your thought processes and stop them before they spiral. You can find out more about negative thinking patterns here.
Imagine you're in debt, and through no fault of your own you find you're no longer able to make the repayments. Your thoughts may focus on the consequences of owing so much money and being unable to pay it back.
Instead of looking to find a solution you may go into panic mode, hiding unopened debt demands, not answering phone calls, and peeking through the curtains every time there's a knock at the door. When you avoid the situation that's causing the worry, your level of anxiety will be highly likely to increase.
So, to reduce your worry you need to take action. You could do things like contacting the Citizen's Advice Bureau and your lenders to explain your situation. You may be able to get your repayments reduced, which will lessen your worries about falling deeper into debt. The worry of the debt hasn't gone away, but you've reduced it by thinking of potential solutions and acting on them.
An example of this might be that you always delay completing academic essays/work projects until the last minute, which leaves you feeling anxious and stressed.
Effectively, you're creating your own anxiety and the only person that can change that is you! The key then, is to reduce this stress and anxiety. A simple solution would be to do chunks of your work throughout the week if you can't face doing it all in one go. This way you'll find your work completed before the deadline, often with time to review it, plus you'll more than likely have lower levels of stress and anxiety.
Sometimes there's nothing we can do to lessen or reduce a worry, so we need to try and accept it. Normally, these worries are completely out of our control and thinking about them will provide no answers.
Someone we know told us that their partner had gone for tests at the hospital regarding their health. Their thoughts had already turned to the worse case scenario and they were making all sorts of assumptions about the outcome. Whilst their fears may very well come true, equally they may not. The bottom line is that worrying about such a situation will not change it, so accepting the situation as it is in the 'here and now', although difficult, is sometimes all we can do.
One of the easiest ways to stop yourself from getting into negative thinking is to distract yourself from it and focus on activities which take you away from your negative thoughts.
You can use any activity you want as a distraction technique (as long as it's legal and not harming anyone else, of course!). As long as it works for you, that's the important thing.
To get you started we have a FREE eBook for you to download!
As you can see negative thinking has the power not only to make us feel anxious, but it can prevent us from taking action to try and reduce our worry.
Equally, there may be times when there really is nothing we can do and that calls for a level of acceptance, although we appreciate that this is easier said than done.
Have you got any other suggestions for how to manage negative thinking? Let us know in the comments 🙂
Negative thoughts can be tied to many things; our core belief, our past experiences, thoughts about the future, body image, going to new places, meeting new people and so on. We’re very good at focusing on the negatives, whether real or perceived.
We've used this analogy with our clients:
Imagine you’re sitting in a small row boat, floating on an ocean of negative thoughts. The thoughts are swirling all around the boat, making it bob up and down.
You cast your fishing rod over the side of the boat, and seconds later you have your first bite. You find the negative thought provides very little in the way of fight as you haul it into your boat.
As you examine the negative thought it seems to grow; getting bigger and bigger. Not only that, but more negative thoughts are now jumping onto the boat of their own accord. The more negative thoughts you explore, the more the others seem to launch themselves from the ocean.
Your boat is now heavily laden with negative thoughts, riding low in the water, and still the thoughts jump on board. In no time at all the boat starts to sink and you find yourself floating in the ocean.
Each negative thought you grasp to stay afloat takes you deeper down and you start being pulled towards the bottom of the ocean.
It might sound like a dark analogy, but it holds a certain truth in how a lot of us think. A negative thought enters our mind and instead of merely acknowledging it and letting it pass, we hook into and start analysing it.
This process of analysing only serves to create more negative thoughts. It enables “what if” thoughts to form, and then we start making assumptions. Some of these assumptions may be based on past experiences, while others may just be things we've concocted during the analysing process.
It's rare that any thoughts within this style of thinking are based upon actual facts. Let’s face it, our mind lies and creates infinite possibilities. It thinks of worse-case scenarios, magnifies situations to make them seem worse, and disables our ability to think clearly, rationally, and be pro-active in taking action.
Like the 'boat' example, you may have a worry which initially starts as a small, niggling worry. As you explore this worry it opens up a map of possible destinations, all of which become increasingly worse in their outcome. You start feeling more stressed and anxious, and as you turn the worry over and over in your mind more worries come to the surface.
Can you see the problem with this style of thinking? When we concentrate on the worry, it makes it increasingly bigger. A small worry may be a real worry which therefore needs attention, but ruminating over it will not resolve the problem.
So what can you do instead? What might help your thinking or your situation? The next blog post will address this. See you then!
Can you relate to the analogy of negative thoughts above? Let us know in the comments 🙂
In a previous post we talked about how you can identify your core belief. In this post we'll use a method of how to challenge your core belief.
We know we repeat ourselves a lot, but we cannot stress enough that a thought is not a fact. It is 'just' a thought, but we give it so much power in our minds. However, because we know it's only a thought, we have the power to challenge it and change it.
So, the gloves are now off and we're going to kick our core belief into touch 🙂
Imagine you're in a court room and have a judge and jury in front of you. When lawyers present their evidence, they can't say "I believe this happened, your honour", they have to state the facts of the case. The same is true with this exercise.
Get a piece of paper and a pen. Write your core belief at the top and then underneath it draw two columns. One column should have the heading "Evidence for" and the other column should say "evidence against".
Start with whichever column you want. When we work with clients we tend to start with the "evidence for" column first to list the things which support their core belief. Remember, the evidence should be factual and not things you merely believe.
Then move onto the "evidence against" column and, again, list down factual things which dispute your core belief.
This process might take a while. It's often all too easy to start listing beliefs rather than facts, so take your time. If you're stuck then ask a friend to help you think of factual items for each list. An outside opinion can often be more objective than your own.
How did you get on with the list? Be really critical; is each item under each column factual?
Even if you have some factual items under the "for" column, this doesn't mean your core belief is true. Remember that a core belief is a global belief about yourself, so a few items which seem to support this belief don't make it something which applies to the whole of you.
The aim of this exercise is to come up with a more balanced view of yourself, rather than the "extreme" view which comes from a core belief. Based on your list of "fors" and "againsts", what would a more balanced belief about yourself look like?
For example, if your core belief is "I'm a failure" based on not passing a few exams, then a more balanced belief might be "I'm not good at every subject, but that doesn't make me a total failure".
Over to you; try it and see if you can come up with a more balanced belief.
What did you think about this exercise? Let us know in the comments!
Our experience of working with clients with anxiety has shown how a lot of it is driven by an underlying core belief that they have about themselves.
In this post we're going to explore what a core belief is, how it links with anxiety, and look at getting to the bottom of your core belief.
A core belief is a 'global label' which you may have developed over time or from just a few events. It might be something like:
A core belief effectively labels you in all areas of your life, even though it may have been triggered by one, or a few, particular events. For example, if you don't get the grades you want in your exams you may label yourself with the core belief of being a failure. That can be extremely detrimental to your well-being.
Another problem with core beliefs is that they impact on the way you perceive people and situations. Like a pair of glasses, the core belief is like the lens through which you see and relate to the world.
This means that, people/events that support your core belief are absorbed and taken on board, but things which contradict your core belief are pretty much dismissed.
For example, you go for a job interview and come out of it convinced that you've mucked up. Let's assume you have the core belief of "I'm not good enough".
Outcome 1: The prospective employer rings you and says you didn't get the job on this occasion. You're disappointed and beat yourself up, but feel this outcome was inevitable because you already believed you weren't "good enough".
Outcome 2: You're contacted and told you got the job. You're pleased, but you start to have thoughts that the employer gave you the job by mistake. You doubt your ability do the job, and are convinced that you don't deserve to be offered the role. This is all because you being offered the role conflicts with your core belief of "I'm not good enough".
There's a technique you can use called the Downward Arrow Technique. What you need to do is to think of a situation which triggered some negative thoughts, write down the situation together with the negative thoughts that came into your mind at that time.
When we ask clients what their thoughts were, a lot tend to name the feelings that came up for them. We think this is because it's easier to identify the feelings more readily because our thoughts are often so automatic that we don't notice what they are. However, for the Downward Arrow Technique we need to consider the thoughts that arise from a situation.
We'll use the job offer example above. We already know the core belief, but we'll just use the scenario as an example and work our way down from there.
When you were offered the job, you may have had negative thoughts such as:
We need to pick just one of the negative thoughts in order to do the Downward Arrow Technique. For this scenario, we'll pick the negative thought of: "They only offered me the job because no one else wanted it".
We'll work through the Downward Arrow Technique which involves starting with the negative thought, and continually questioning it (in italics):
"They only offered me the job because no one else wanted it". So, what if that were true, what would that mean?
"It would mean they must have been desperate to fill the job". If that were the case, what would that mean?
"Well, it would mean they didn't care who they gave the job to". What if that was correct, what would that mean?
"It would mean they're willing to take on anyone to do the job". If that were true, what would that mean?
"Well, they'd probably realise later on that I can't do the job". If that were the case, what would that mean?
"They'd wonder why they took me on". What if that was correct, what would that mean?
"They'd probably get rid of me because I'm not good enough for the job". If that were true, what would that mean?
"It would mean I'm not good enough for the job". If that were the case, what would that mean?
"I'm not good enough" (Core belief)
As the example shows, you just keep working down using similar statements until you reach what feels like a core belief. Bear in mind this is a very "neat" example, and sometimes it can take more (or less) time, and a bit more questioning to reach the core belief.
Now, give it a go with a real-life scenario and see how you get on.
Now that you have a better idea of your core belief, the next step is to challenge how true it actually is. We know we've said it before, but we'll say it again to make the point; we tend to view thoughts and beliefs as facts when they are, in fact, subjective.
We'll show you how to can challenge your core belief in the next blog post. See you then!